Good Afternoon, its 12:45 on Sunday 7th February. I’m staring out the window into the middle distance. It is snowing, but I am not a child so it is not so fun anymore. I only feel sad and cold.
“*Aw, it’s snowing outside, my feet are cold, *sigh”
“What shall I do today? Maybe I could go for a walk down towards….”
“Nah, ***is there any point, It’s cold and there’s a wind. ***Everything looks the same anyway wherever u walk..”
“…Yeah, I’ll make a tea and go on the internet”
“*mmm,* maybe some naughty…*”
“NOPE! Not happening”
I am feeling drowsy and irritable today, so I typed “bipolar disorder is ruining my life” in the google search and I found the following article which I chose as today’s article recommendation: “Bipolar Disorder Can Ruin You” By Brenden Belluardo
On clicking the link, I was struck by the blue backing and the beige photo, that gave me sudden tele- empathy, like a energy cable was plugged into my head. The article is a classic rundown of the difficult aspects of being an adult human burdened with the ever-present beast within:
The sub-titles: Loneliness. Financial Struggle. Finding Work. Relationships.
Loneliness: Cycling through friends, craving isolation, pushing people away. As for support “when you need a shoulder to cry on, you realize that you’ve pushed all of those shoulders away”. I have the same problem. As a consolation, it is good to be self-aware about how interpersonal behavioural issues have put you in the position you are in. To feel regret about missed opportunities for good quality friendships. Hopefully, I can change but I am going to indulge right now in the grim reality.
“*Change! It has been a decade. When are you going to make the changes and thrive? *Haha** smoke another cigarette***.”
“Just for today I can accept this feeling. But I know it is just negative thinking going on and I won’t be thinking negatively tomorrow.”
“Sure, ***whatever you say***”
“OK. Let me continue my review.”
Financial struggle & Finding Work: These points are so relatable. My impulsiveness to spend money on junk food and alcohol when I am feeling low means I do not budget well at all. Being organised and planning doesn’t happen how I want it to. The focus is just not there.
The following is a classic example of my own cognitions when I feel I am not thriving at work or having work attendance issues: “Over the past two years, I have learned just how little people care about whether or not you suffer from mental illness.” I know the feeling, but I think it is more a case of – how little people can empathise with a person suffering with mental illness because it is hard to empathise with another person’s mental health problems. We cannot read each other’s minds. For Example, I find it hard to empathise with people with autism or dyslexia. Is it possible for a young person to empathise with an elderly relative with dementia?
Relationships: “I know that living with me is not an easy feat. Living with someone that suffers from a mental health disorder is a tremendous undertaking that involves a lot of patience and willpower.”
Being responsible is important to prevent your family relations becoming strained. Anxiety makes me want to isolate. I often promise to do the grocery shopping on a Saturday, but then flake on doing it because I am in bed until 3pm. It causes resentment and I try to check in with myself to make sure that I am not crossing the line in my behaviour.
I enjoy reading these expressive articles where the author is telling the reader how they feel, being 100% real in presentation. Showing all the warts and scars and the bitter resentment of the mental illness burden.
So, I guess I feel a bit better now after reading. I am going to put some warm clothes on then go for a walk. Right after I watch this Youtube video.
“Nah, I don’t think so. Best get your hot water bottle and curl up in bed, listen to a podcast.”
“Yeah, fine. It’s boring though.”
“You can’t do anything else anyway today your brain is foggy, so you might as well.”
Link to Brenden Belluardo’s “Bipolar Disorder Can Ruin You” article on Medium. https://medium.com/invisible-illness/bipolar-disorder-can-ruin-you-3eb4bb4afeaa